Missed that one when it first went up!

The second setup looked incredibly dangerous. The one where he was going past all those people skiing, I'm amazed nobody got killed!

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Hey!...
How'd you get that past the censorship committee?

I've either got low friends in high places, high friends in low places, or some combination of both.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Saw this on another site and just had to share it...

Best Worst Country-Western Songs
Yes, these are real.


If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen

Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight


All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Peel Me a Nanner

If Love Were Oil, I'd be a Quart Low

Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole my Girl, but the Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got an Even Deal

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?

Mama, Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Heaven's Just A Sin Away

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me

Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond And She Clubbed Me With a Spade

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?

When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)

Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In

My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You

And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You're Going Against the Grain

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

Don't Chop Any Wood, Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load

If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat

She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Thanks To the Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

You're welcome.
_______________________________

Now those are what we call 'classics'.

Lostone wrote:

Saw this on another site and just had to share it... How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

My quartet actually sings this song....If we see you on Christmas Eve in the baselodges during lunchtime, remind me and we'll sing it for you (to you....???)

Quote:

(to you....???)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Goats in School

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the
school. They let three goats loose in the school building.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the
goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

This is kind of creepy!





Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.



Keep going . . .



Don't stop . ..


Now, think of an animal that begins with that letter.


Repeat it out loud as you continue to scroll down.


Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name.



Almost there........

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.



Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.



Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?





Of course they don't!



Now use that same hand to smack the crap out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid games like this!

For the season...?

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog for Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services... the US Marines.



In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit.

He was in the Navy!'

The Lie Detector


John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change.


One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases: it was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.


It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year-old son,
returned home from school.


Tommy was over 2 hours late.


'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
John.


'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.


The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.


'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,'
said Tommy.


'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.


'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.


The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more.


With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you
son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The
robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.


Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.


After all, he is your son!


With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.

A termite walks into a bar...and asks...
"Is the bartender here?"