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View Full Version : Heard a good one? Or even one that is baaaaad?



Lostone
06-29-2007, 09:02 PM
Just realized what we were missing!

Every board needs a joke thread.

Here's one to start.
(Note: I'm not starting with my A material. (Like I have any?) :roll: )


rear ended a car today.......

It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "well, Which one are you then?"


Not good enough? Do better! :wink:

Strat
06-29-2007, 09:40 PM
What's the cutoff on raciness?

Lostone
06-29-2007, 09:53 PM
There is the Jean Redpath saying that if you were really innocent, you'd have no idea what I was talking about. (She put some of the poems of Robert Bournes to music.)

Still, I would suggest remembering who the audience is. :wink:

BushMogulMaster
06-29-2007, 10:18 PM
For all you non-musicians out there... you might as well skip this one.

A "C" and "Eb" and a "G" walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve minors." So the "Eb" leaves and the "C" and the "G" share a perfect "fifth." :lol:

freeheel_skier
06-30-2007, 09:20 PM
Just realized what we were missing!

Every board needs a joke thread.

Here's one to start.
(Note: I'm not starting with my A material. (Like I have any?) :roll: )


rear ended a car today.......

It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "well, Which one are you then?"


Not good enough? Do better! :wink:



Ouch! I will see if I can do better.....give me some time to think :wink:

Mike_451
07-01-2007, 02:10 AM
For all you non-musicians out there... you might as well skip this one.

A "C" and "Eb" and a "G" walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve minors." So the "Eb" leaves and the "C" and the "G" share a perfect "fifth." :lol:

Old musicians never die, they just go on from bar to bar.

Lostone
07-01-2007, 08:00 AM
a Buddhist monk, a Rabbi and a priest walked into a bar.

The bartender asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Lostone
07-01-2007, 07:33 PM
I was having some severe elbow pain late one night last week.

I called my usual acupuncturist, who told me to "take two thumb tacks and call my office in the morning".

mikec13
07-01-2007, 08:46 PM
The Tico Fisherman And The Wall Street Analyst An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Costa Rican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellow-fin tuna.

The American complimented the Costa Rican Tico on the quality of his fish, and asked how long it took to catch them.

"Only a little while," the Tico replied. The American then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish. The Tico said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Tico fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Wall Street executive and could help you. You should spend more time fishing, and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and a Web presence. A scalable, go-forward plan would provide capital for several new boats. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to San Jose, Costa Rica, then to Los Angeles and, eventually, New York City, where you would outsource tasks to third-party clients to help run your expanding enterprise in a vertical market."

The Tico fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will all this take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right, you will announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You will make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you will retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you can sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings, where you will sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Lostone
07-09-2007, 09:08 PM
I thought it was ok. In fact, I spent a bit of time looking to see if the intro of the song Hallelujah I'm A Bum, by Utah Phillips, was printed on the net. I have him doing it on tape, and it is quite similar.

How about a little Steven Wright.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out
to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Lostone
07-10-2007, 09:12 AM
Subject: WHY ATHLETES ARE PAID SO MUCH MONEY!


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder, Andre Dawson, on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of he Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torri Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. A senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

7 Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, about a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

and finally...

14. Amarillo High School and Houston Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Lostone
07-27-2007, 07:16 AM
Bumper stickers

(I think many are really from Steven Wright. )


Some may be oldies, but I hadn't seen most of them.

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Forget about World Peace....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?"

Lostone
08-24-2007, 11:18 AM
Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.


As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them he can take only three moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same size plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." :shock: :lol:

Bubba
08-25-2007, 10:21 AM
1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Jail to the Chief

14. No, Seriously, Why DID We Invade Iraq?

15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Crap

16. Bad President! No Banana.

17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

18. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

19. Is It Vietnam Yet?

20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?

22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.

23. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too


24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

25. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

26. One Nation Under Clod

27. At Least Nixon Resigned

Bubba
08-25-2007, 10:23 AM
THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON




A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.



The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed

before him.



The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.



He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than

let liquor touch my lips."



The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me,

too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Bubba
08-30-2007, 07:46 AM
Old man and the Moped



A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.



An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"



The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.



The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"



Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....



WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!



Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.



WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!



He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to
250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!



Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"



The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

Bubba
08-30-2007, 07:47 AM
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which one is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Me dicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Lostone
08-30-2007, 08:06 AM
Hu's on first. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUU7vOqK0DM)

Dial-up warning!

but funny! :lol:

Lostone
08-30-2007, 08:33 AM
And Dave, I've passed your last two on, to another site. :wink:

Yard Sale
08-30-2007, 10:31 AM
Who still has dial up?

He does?

Lostone
08-30-2007, 02:41 PM
I know there are people who still do. When I post something that will take a lifetime with dial-up, I give a warning. If they still want to go for it, it isn't my problem. :wink:

Generally, you can play it twice. The first time it just loads into your cache. The second time it will play just like you were on a high speed connection. 8)

Lostone
10-08-2007, 08:09 AM
Grandpa was telling a friend about his new hearing aid. "It's absolutely the greatest thing I ever bought. I hear everything as clear as a bell, I can hear all the sutle overtones in music, and the birds chirping in the yard. It cost me $6000, but it's worth every cent!"


The friend replied, "That's great. What kind is it?"


Grandpa glanced at his watch and said, "Two-thirty."





Grandpa got a new hearing aid and went back to the source after two weeks to have it checked, etc.

"What do your children and grandchildren think about your new aid?", he was asked.

His answer.."So far I haven't told them about it, but I've changed my will three times."

:lol:

Lostone
10-16-2007, 09:15 PM
0-200 IN 6 SEC

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the
middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.




Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Lostone
10-19-2007, 04:08 PM
Great video! Reminds me of Candid Camera. (http://www.break.com/index/absolutely-hilarious-bathroom-mirror-prank.html) :lol:

Bubba
10-21-2007, 06:11 AM
>>A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round
>of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman
>carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member
>who brought her to the club for a round of golf h ad an emergency that
>called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.
>
>
>
>Naturally, the guys all agreed.
>
>
>
>Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a
>topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want
>to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do
>anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But
>I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to
>coach me on how to play my shots."
>
>
>
>With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
>
>
>
>All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball
>on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the
>middle, right in front of the green.
>
>
>
>The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put
>her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I have faded it
>a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots,
>the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of
>the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you
>played that perfectly."
>
>
>
>The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven
>would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."
>
>She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
>
>
>
>Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out
>of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the
>fairway.
>
>
>
>For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued t o amaze the
>guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
>
>
>
>When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
>had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
>
>She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for
>not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or
>how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to
>break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on
>this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single
>Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a
>very good time the rest of the night.
>
>
>
>The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
>carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, ai m about 6
>inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that
>little hump and break right into the cup.
>
>
>
>The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
>Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to
>the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into
>the cup.
>
>
>
>The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it
>up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
>
>
>
>The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
>
>
>
>
>
>OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.

Lostone
10-22-2007, 11:19 AM
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.

How nice to once again have something to aspire towards! :lol:

ski_resort_observer
10-22-2007, 04:21 PM
The perfect Vermont toy:

it's natural

no chemicals

you can throw it, carve it and light it up

it's edible

and it's not from China


a pumpkin

Bubba
11-01-2007, 03:53 PM
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower...Cooter, Jim Bob, and
Bubba.

As they start their descent down the tower, Cooter slips, falls
off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Jim Bob says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Jim Bob says,
Where did you get that beer, Bubba?"

Cooter's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
That's unbelievable,you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?"
Well, not exactly," Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Cooter's widow.'"

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."...then I said "I'll
bet you a case of beer you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

Lostone
11-01-2007, 08:51 PM
You probably heard it with the names in different order, but moved them around so that Bubba ended up with the beer! :wink:




A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his Awards and Decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Don't ya love military time?

BushMogulMaster
11-01-2007, 09:51 PM
Great video! Reminds me of Candid Camera. (http://www.break.com/index/absolutely-hilarious-bathroom-mirror-prank.html) :lol:

Which is almost as funny as the Japanese Ski Spa Prank (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zf1dHcv9DnM)

:lol:

Lostone
11-05-2007, 08:56 PM
Missed that one when it first went up! :lol:

The second setup looked incredibly dangerous. The one where he was going past all those people skiing, I'm amazed nobody got killed! :twisted:

Lostone
11-05-2007, 08:58 PM
What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. :?

Bubba
11-05-2007, 09:43 PM
Hey!...
How'd you get that past the censorship committee? :wink:

Lostone
11-05-2007, 09:51 PM
I've either got low friends in high places, high friends in low places, or some combination of both. :twisted:

Lostone
11-08-2007, 10:19 PM
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

Lostone
11-14-2007, 08:14 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." :wink:

Lostone
12-11-2007, 10:51 PM
Saw this on another site and just had to share it...

Best Worst Country-Western Songs
Yes, these are real.


If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen

Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight


All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Peel Me a Nanner

If Love Were Oil, I'd be a Quart Low

Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole my Girl, but the Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got an Even Deal

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

You're A Cross I Can't Bear

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?

Mama, Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Heaven's Just A Sin Away

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me

Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond And She Clubbed Me With a Spade

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?

When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)

Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In

My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You

And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You're Going Against the Grain

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

Don't Chop Any Wood, Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load

If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat

She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Thanks To the Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

You're welcome.
_______________________________

Now those are what we call 'classics'.
:lol:

noski
12-12-2007, 09:47 AM
Saw this on another site and just had to share it...

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

My quartet actually sings this song....If we see you on Christmas Eve in the baselodges during lunchtime, remind me and we'll sing it for you (to you....???)

Lostone
12-20-2007, 09:55 PM
(to you....???)


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :cry:

Lostone
03-08-2008, 08:12 PM
Goats in School

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the
school. They let three goats loose in the school building.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the
goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

:lol:

Lostone
03-08-2008, 08:25 PM
This is kind of creepy!





Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.



Keep going . . .



Don't stop . ..


Now, think of an animal that begins with that letter.


Repeat it out loud as you continue to scroll down.


Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name.



Almost there........

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.



Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.



Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?





Of course they don't!



Now use that same hand to smack the crap out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid games like this!

Lostone
03-23-2008, 03:53 PM
For the season...?

http://img187.imageshack.us/img187/7644/bunnieskc4.jpg

Lostone
04-02-2008, 07:49 PM
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog for Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services... the US Marines.



In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit.

He was in the Navy!'

Lostone
05-28-2008, 05:10 PM
The Lie Detector


John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change.


One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases: it was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.


It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year-old son,
returned home from school.


Tommy was over 2 hours late.


'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
John.


'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.


The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.


'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,'
said Tommy.


'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.


'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.


The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more.


With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you
son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The
robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.


Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.


After all, he is your son!


With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.

shadyjay
05-28-2008, 08:53 PM
A termite walks into a bar...and asks...
"Is the bartender here?"

:D :D :D

Lostone
06-06-2008, 03:47 PM
LETTER FROM A VIRGINIA MOTHER TO A VIRGINIA SON



Dear Son,

I am writing this slow cause I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for the next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. It only rained twice this week, three days for the first time and four days for the second.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got the bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

About your father, he has a lovely job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out weather it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time, nothing happened.

Write more often,
Love Mom

PS I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.




(Found this saying West Virginia, but someone knows why I changed it.) :lol:

Lostone
08-02-2008, 07:37 PM
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'




What, you were expecting a dirty joke? :wink:

Lostone
08-12-2009, 04:23 PM
Okay....lemme see if ya still got it!!!!!




A quick quiz to reassure you you're still with it. Enjoy!

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing. They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.

To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are..... Ready? GO!!!

(scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )


First Question :You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<

Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place! Try not to screw up next time. :roll:

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?


Second Question :I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?

(scroll down)





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ;

WRONG again.

Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person?? :P
You're not very good at this, are you? :oops:




Third Question :Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total? Scroll down for the correct answer
....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000 ?



The correct answer is actually 4100 .If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it ? :cry:


Maybe you'll get the last question right...

Maybe...


Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary you retard! Read the question again! :?


Okay, now the Bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's really very simple He opens his mouth and asks for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think?? :?

If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! :lol:

Have a nice day, one and all 8)

Lostone
10-01-2009, 05:13 PM
The New Store
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

"You're doing well. Only two left." :lol: