Just realized what we were missing!

Every board needs a joke thread.

Here's one to start.
(Note: I'm not starting with my A material. (Like I have any?) )


rear ended a car today.......

It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "well, Which one are you then?"


Not good enough? Do better!

What's the cutoff on raciness?

There is the Jean Redpath saying that if you were really innocent, you'd have no idea what I was talking about. (She put some of the poems of Robert Bournes to music.)

Still, I would suggest remembering who the audience is.

For all you non-musicians out there... you might as well skip this one.

A "C" and "Eb" and a "G" walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve minors." So the "Eb" leaves and the "C" and the "G" share a perfect "fifth."

Lostone wrote:

Just realized what we were missing! Every board needs a joke thread. Here's one to start. (Note: I'm not starting with my A material. (Like I have any?) ) rear ended a car today....... It was a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "well, Which one are you then?" Not good enough? Do better!

Ouch! I will see if I can do better.....give me some time to think

BushMogulMaster wrote:

For all you non-musicians out there... you might as well skip this one. A "C" and "Eb" and a "G" walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve minors." So the "Eb" leaves and the "C" and the "G" share a perfect "fifth."

Old musicians never die, they just go on from bar to bar.

a Buddhist monk, a Rabbi and a priest walked into a bar.

The bartender asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"

I was having some severe elbow pain late one night last week.

I called my usual acupuncturist, who told me to "take two thumb tacks and call my office in the morning".

The Tico Fisherman And The Wall Street Analyst An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Costa Rican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellow-fin tuna.

The American complimented the Costa Rican Tico on the quality of his fish, and asked how long it took to catch them.

"Only a little while," the Tico replied. The American then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish. The Tico said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Tico fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Wall Street executive and could help you. You should spend more time fishing, and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and a Web presence. A scalable, go-forward plan would provide capital for several new boats. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to San Jose, Costa Rica, then to Los Angeles and, eventually, New York City, where you would outsource tasks to third-party clients to help run your expanding enterprise in a vertical market."

The Tico fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will all this take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right, you will announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You will make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you will retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you can sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings, where you will sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

I thought it was ok. In fact, I spent a bit of time looking to see if the intro of the song Hallelujah I'm A Bum, by Utah Phillips, was printed on the net. I have him doing it on tape, and it is quite similar.

How about a little Steven Wright.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out
to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Subject: WHY ATHLETES ARE PAID SO MUCH MONEY!


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder, Andre Dawson, on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of he Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torri Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. A senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

7 Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, about a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

and finally...

14. Amarillo High School and Houston Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Bumper stickers

(I think many are really from Steven Wright. )


Some may be oldies, but I hadn't seen most of them.

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Forget about World Peace....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?"

Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.


As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them he can take only three moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same size plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Jail to the Chief

14. No, Seriously, Why DID We Invade Iraq?

15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Crap

16. Bad President! No Banana.

17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

18. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

19. Is It Vietnam Yet?

20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?

22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.

23. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too


24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

25. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

26. One Nation Under Clod

27. At Least Nixon Resigned

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON




A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.



The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed

before him.



The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.



He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than

let liquor touch my lips."



The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me,

too, I didn't know we had a choice."